valentine's day

today is valentine's day and I have a hate-love relationship with it.

I'm dressed in red, from my bra and panties to a sleeveless top I shine in the color of love today, popped up with my black leggings and my turquoises dunks and a similar colored button shirt. Red eyeshadow, lovely amount of blush and little red hearts falling from my ears, all in the celebration of the day that I also desperately tried to celebrate by a date or something of that kind.But as always dating apps are just getting the worst out of me. So that from 5 installed Apps I registered (again) a few days ago today I only stand with 1 left. And even with that one i don’t even know why I keep it. There’s nice people there but the issue really is me. I don’t wanna talk to anyone. I avoid responding to everyone and just tell myself they aren’t right. I’m excited about no one and just open it to get dopamine from new messages or likes.

love never shined so bright.

but why do i love it anyway you wonder?

well, I haven’t had any real relationship yet, and the ones I did have I was really bad at showing love or affection of excitement. Never have I celebrated the day with a person close to me.

But I do love love.

What's life about if not about love? And I don’t mean couple love only. Friends, family and yourself. Whatever you love it's what keeps you going, what makes you wake up and what makes you feel.

I haven’t always loved myself nor did I have good friends that I felt connected to a whole lot and to be honest I still don’t. My ex never cared or even mentioned valentine’s day, so I didn’t either, but I still always greeted the day with excitement and joy. Then, I didn’t love myself, didn’t have friends and a boyfriend I did love but didn’t care about the day, but i still felt like it'a a day to celebrate not only the love you have right now but also the love that can come or just well, love. Even if I don’t have it, it’s the most to celebrate thing there is, in my humble-single-non-connected opinion.

So why do i hate it?

I love me, my family and yes my friends too, but really, I feel a lack of connection and commitment to all of them. I think I have so much love to give, but I don't give a lot or freely because I don’t want people close to me. I’m sure from everyone, I love myself the most, because I can only be the real me, with me. Yet I feel just as disconnected, because something that’s only to one self feels invisible at times. You don’t get a sharing point, a new reaction a new perspective, you’re only with yourself and it misses the tension of the unknown, it’s like it’s not even there.

In my heart, I know one day, I’m going to celebrate it with only love in the most beautiful way possible, and if it's just being dressed in red feeling connected to myself deeply and fully.